One of the hardest things in life is to tell a parent that they are no longer capable of being independent. It is even more difficult to suggest that they go to live in an assisted care facility.
It is important to handle this conversation with extreme care. Your mom or dad may not look young, nor be in good -or even decent- health. Somewhere, however, in that frail body, there is still that young kid. He is the young kid that is still in all of us. He is the strong, independent kid; able to leap buildings in a single bound. He is the young kid who never gives in without a good fight.
You need to understand that this is not a process that will happen overnight, unless you plan to take your parent kicking and screaming to the door of the nearest home. This is not ONE conversation. Rather, it is the culmination of several conversations that take place over time. The process can take months, and sometimes even years, to execute.
If your parent is in denial of how dependent they’ve become, keep a journal. In this journal, be sure to note each time you notice your parent requiring the help of others. For example:
Do they need rides to doctor’s appointments?
Can they grocery shop on their own?
Are they capable of getting out, or having people into their home for socialization?
Can they cook?
Can they shower?
Is their house multi-level? If so, can they climb stairs?
In this journal, also write down any health concerns they have, and the medications they take. Over the course of noting these “moments”, ask your parent questions, such as:
Is it hard for you to climb the stairs?
Is it difficult to find rides to your appointments?
Do you like to cook?
Asking them open-ended questions will force them to look at themselves. It will show them, hopefully, how dependent they have become. When you have these conversations with your parent, note them in your journal as well. This will serve as a point of reference for you. They will become building blocks which will assist you in convincing your parent that an assisted care facility is the best option.
Be careful not to act like your parent’s parent. Our identities are pressed into our minds. Our body may become weak, but our mind stays strong (most of the time). If you try and switch places with your mom or dad now, you may just be asking for trouble.
Remind them of all of the good times that you’ve shared in your home. Cite a few funny stories, and start the conversation lightly. Tell them what you notice lately. These should be the instances that you’ve journaled about. Express concern for their well-being.
Prepare information on a few facilities that you’ve visited. I wouldn’t necessarily go into the actual discussion of which place is best here. You should simply leave the information with your parent. Tell them that you’d like them to decide where they’d like to go and look. Perhaps they like to visit a few facilities to compare them.
Follow-up with your parent when you feel the time is right.
Let’s face it; none of us like to get a project thrown on our desk at work out of the blue. And then, it only gets ten times worse when our boss asks us for a progress report every hour.
Be patient to the process. Independence is hard to give up. Be kind and supportive, without being overbearing and condescending. Over time, your parent will come to see that you have their best interest at heart.
